Densest Element in the universe discovered

Periodic Table Possibly to no one’s surprise…. Science marches on….

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Bushcronium.” The symbol for Bushcronium is “W”.

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Bushcronium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity or concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass”.

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.


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A farewell email from an Ernst & Young employee to his co-workers

This has to be one of the greatest corporate emails ever written. To have the nads to do this….I can only wish. No matter how much I would love to write an email like this, the thought of losing my job scares me. If I am definitely losing it though, the possibility of authoring something as great as this is quite fun to think about.

Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, tomorrow is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Tomorrow is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the year and a half, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy
after even a day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Caulfield: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Mairead: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Linda: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.

And finally, to Kat: you were right, I tested positive. We’ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job
opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,
Cian Kelliher

PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the Oden 5.30 tomorrow evening if anybody is interested in drinks!

Click this link for more great farewell emails.

farewell email


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Mary Had A Little Lamb, And Other Poetry

Mary had a little lamb.
She fed it kerosene.
The little lamb sat near a fire,
Since then its not benzene.

πŸ™‚

A pun is the lowest form of wit,
It does not tax the brain a bit;
One merely takes a word that’s plain
And picks one out that sounds the same.
Perhaps some letter may be changed
Or others slightly disarranged,
This to the meaning gives a twist,
Which much delights the humorist.
A sample now may help to show
The way a good pun ought to go:
It isn’t the cough, that carries you off,
It’s the coffin they carry you off in.”

πŸ™‚

If you wash your dishes with Pride
Or Joy and the water you’ve tried
To dump on the beach
I’m really should teach
You… Detergent’s not fit to be tide

πŸ™‚

My dog wanted some sort of treat
But I was just fresh out of meat
With leftover chops
His whimpering stops
I told the mutt, “Bone appétit”

πŸ™‚

Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
“When you’re out cutting grass,
You’re my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day.”

πŸ™‚

An old Catholic priest, Father Blass
Dealt a message both condemning and crass
His sermon was loaded
And it finally exploded
When flock had reached critical mass

πŸ™‚

There was a young lady called Bright
Whose speed was far faster than light
She went out one day
In the relative way
And returned the previous night

πŸ™‚

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts shot up it’s arse
and turned it’s fleece to nylon

πŸ™‚


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