Lost Presence of Mind

I’m a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by wheelbarrow, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went back up on the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground floor and untied the rope, holding it tightly to assure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I ‘lost my presence of mind’ and didn’t let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued the rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deed into the pulley. This explains the lacerations of my right hand. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and held tightly to the rope in spite of the pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed about 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight of 135 pounds, in block 11. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations to my legs. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there in the bricks, in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above me, I again ‘lost presence of mind’; I let go of the rope.”

lost presence of mind

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles

(These are real)

Do You Love As Good As You Look

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye

Her Body Couldn’t Keep You Off My Mind

Her Cheatin’ Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me

Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

Here’s A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

How Can A Whiskey That’s 6 Years Old Whup A Man That’s 33?

How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?

I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Don’t Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy

I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Don’t Want Your Body If Your Heart’s Not In It

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine

I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

I Knew I’d Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of Ewe

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain’t Used Up)

I Meant Every Word That He Said

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better

I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She’s Out Of Town

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!

I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I’ll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him

I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite

I’m Gettin’ Gray From Being Blue

I’m Havin’ Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon

I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I’m Not Married But The Wife Is

I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here

I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

I’ve Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat

I’ve Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I’m Blue All The Time

I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line

If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now

If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?

If It’s Got To Be Later, How ‘Bout Later Tonight?

If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

If The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me

If Whiskey Were A Woman I’d Be Married For Sure

If You Can’t Feel It (It Ain’t There)

If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

It Ain’t Love But It Ain’t Bad

It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long

Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Oh, Lord! It’s Hard To Be Humble When You’re Perfect In Every Way

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

She’s Out Doing What I’m Here Doing Without.

Tennis Must Be Your Racket ‘Cause Love Means Nothin’ To You

Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone

The Last Word In Lonesome Is “me”

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out

Touch Me With More Than Your Hands

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)

When We Get Back To the Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town)

Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?

You Can’t Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

You’re A Cross I Can’t Bear

You’re Ruining My Bad Reputation

You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


Unfortunate Church Bulletins

  1. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.
  2. Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.
  11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.