A Politically Correct Christmas Story

“Twas the night before Christmas
And Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s
Politically correct?
His worker’s no longer would
Answer to “Elves”
“Vertically Challenged”
They were calling themselves.
And Labor conditions
At the North Pole
Were alleged by the union
To stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished
Without much propriety,
Released to the wild’s by
The Humane Society.
And equal employment
Had made it clear
That Santa had better
Not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner,
Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with four pigs,
And you know that looked stupid.The runners had been
Removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed
Dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started
To call the cops
When they heard sled
Noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his
Pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His Fur trimmed red suit
Was called “Unenlightened.”

And to show you the strangeness
Of life’s ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over
Unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo,
In front of the nation,
Demanding millions
In over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer
Were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d
Enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group,
packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on
Her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why,
He’d never a notion
That making a choice could
Cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him.
And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be
Construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored
Or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls,
Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed
To be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike
Or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets..
They were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to
Embellish a truth.
And Fairy Tales,
While not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie
Better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles
Of those psychological
Who claimed the only
Good gift was ecological.

No Baseball, No Football..
Someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports
Exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist
And should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot
Your entire brain away,
So Santa just stood there,
Disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure
Out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful
With that word today.
His sack was quite empty,
Limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable
Was to be found.
Something special was needed
A gift that he might
Give to all without angering
The left or the right

A gift that would satisfy,
With no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone everywhere… even you
So here is that gift,
It’s price beyond worth
May you and your loved ones,
Enjoy peace on Earth

So Who Is Doing The Work?

Anonymous Sports Betting

work.jpgThe population of the USA is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces occupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and
city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

Things Few People Know

Things Few People KnowMedical researchers contend that no disease ever identified has been completely eradicated.

The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

No one seems to know why people blush.

In 1972, a group of scientists reported that you could cure the common cold by freezing the big toe.

The number one cause of blindness in the United States is diabetes.

The adult human heart weighs about ten ounces.

People who laugh a lot are much healthier than those who don’t. Dr. Lee Berk at the Loma Linda School of Public Health in California found that laughing lowers levels of stress hormones, and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds have it best – they laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

People who have a tough time handling the stress of money woes are twice as likely to develop severe gum disease, a new study finds.

Between 25% to 33% of the population sneeze when they are exposed to light.

Of the 206 bones in the average human adult’s body, 106 are in the hands and feet. (54 in the hands and 52 in the feet)

In 1815 French chemist Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes and sugar metabolism when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar.

Approximately 16 Canadians have their appendices removed, when not required, every day.

Sumerians (from 5000 BC) thought that the liver made blood and the heart was the center of thought.

Men have more blood than women. Men have 1.5 gallons for men versus 0.875 gallons for women.

The first Band-Aid Brand Adhesive Bandages were three inches wide and eighteen inches long. You made your own bandage by cutting off as much as you needed.

The human brain stops growing at the age of 18.

In 1977, a 13 year old child found a tooth growing out of his left foot.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 18 million courses of antibiotics are prescribed for the common cold in the United States per year. Research shows that colds are caused by viruses. 50 million unnecessary antibiotics are prescribed for viral respiratory infections.

It takes an interaction of 72 different muscles to produce human speech.

The first known heart medicine was discovered in an English garden. In 1799, physician John Ferriar noted the effect of dried leaves of the common plant, digitalis purpurea, on heart action. Still used in heart medications, digitalis slows the pulse and increases the force of heart contractions and the amount of blood pumped per heartbeat.

Blood is red only in the arteries after it has left the heart and is full of oxygen. Blood is a purplish, blue color in the veins as it returns to the heart, thanks to having picked up carbon dioxide and other wastes from the body’s cells. In fact, your blood is red throughout only half your body. When cut, of course, the blood always appears red because it is instantly exposed to oxygen outside the body.

Contrary to popular belief, hemophiliacs do NOT bleed to death from minor cuts. This rare disease, which affects only males (it is carried by females, but they don’t exhibit symptoms), involves an impairment in blood clotting—not an absolute inability to clot. Hemophiliacs today may take clotting serums and often lead fairly normal lives.

During his or her lifetime, the average human will grow 590 miles of hair.

The average Human bladder can hold 13 ounces of liquid.

You lose enough dead skin cells in your lifetime to fill eight five-pound flour bags.

Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

The storage capacity of human brain exceeds 4 Terrabytes.

The Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland was a symbolic character for the hat makers in towns of the late 1800’s. The large felt hats of the day had supports made out of lead. The lead caused an organic form of psychosis (brain damage) to develop in the hat makers causing them to be declared crazy.

Although your system cannot digest gum like other foods, it won’t be stuck inside of you forever. It comes out with other waste your body can’t use.

The substance that human blood resembles most closely in terms of chemical composition is sea water.