Proof That The World Is Nuts

Anonymous Sports Betting

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be
covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than “going blind!”)

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit
lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time

( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises.”

(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?!)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of …. ?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

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An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don’t have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last:

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

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A Modern Parable

goodsamaritan.gifA Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged & depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to include:
4 steering supervisors,
3 area steering superintendents and
1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners, free pens and a certificate of completion for the rower.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower (a reduction in workforce) for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was “out-sourced” to India .

Sadly, the End.

However, sad, but oh so true!

Here’s something else to think about:
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can’t make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US .

The last quarter’s result:
Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in
losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads.


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How Much Can Someone Love Their Dog?

Can Someone Love Their DogA friend emailed this story to me, and I laughed so hard that I had to share it.

My new dog has had some health problems lately, so he needed to take another trip to the vet today. When I talked to her on the phone yesterday, she told me to try to bring “the freshest fecal sample I can find”, and I assume that she meant from dog.

The problem is, I have two dogs with full reign of the backyard. So instead of going out back and singing “one of these things is not like the other” as I stare at the ground and try to figure out who’s is who’s, I take the dog out front on a leash. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to take just one of your two dogs outside on a leash, but it was not an easy task. Not only that, but it takes the little guy 10 minutes before he can… well… muster up a sample. I tried handing him one of my woodworking magazines to pass the time, but I guess his bathroom habits are different than mine.

Ok, so I had my sample, which I put into a plastic grocery bag. I have a pickup truck, and it’s a hot day, so I decide to put the sample into the bed of the truck. I attached a cord through the handles of the bag and tied it to a tiedown inside the bed of the truck so the “cargo” would be secured, and we headed on down the road.

Halfway down the road, something catches my eye in the rearview mirror. The grocery bag is waving freely in the wind. I find a spot to pull over to the side of the road, and low and behold, the dog’s gift to the vet is missing. I walk a little ways behind my truck to see if I can find it. After a couple of minutes of wandering down the roadside, looking for the sandwich baggie, my radar detector begins to beep incessantly as a patrol car pulls up.

I know a lot of the officers in this jurisdiction, but I didn’t recognize this particular officer. He asks me if my truck broke down, and I assured him that wasn’t the case. I told him that something had flown out of the bed of the truck, and I was looking for it. Now, I don’t know if there is a proper way to try to explain to an officer of the law that you’re walking down the side of the road in search of a plastic bag full of dog crap that flew out of the bed of your truck, but I certainly had trouble finding the right words….

Luckily, I was able to find a plastic bag full of dog crap laying on the side of the road. Now, I’m assuming that it belongs to my dog, because what are the chances that other people are flinging bags of poo from their vehicle as they are driving down the road? I excuse myself, and hop back inside the truck.

Now… I don’t know if you’ve ever traveled in the cab of a pickup truck with a warm bag of crap on a hot summer’s day, but let’s just say that the smell was…. interesting. Even with all the windows down, it was hard to escape. And all the way to the vet, I could swear that the dog smiling at me…

Damn dog.


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