The Most Offensive World Records

You think that Guiness show is annoying and revolting? Do a bit more research and,well……………just read on:

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991 (assuming U.S. pints, that’s roughly 0.8 L or almost a whole milk bag. Can you say gang bang? Can you say EEEWWW!!!). Gee, I wonder which cesspool of disease recently got named the AIDS poster child? That, and consider the possibility that she didn’t get “it” all down on the first “shot” and……..oh, never mind).

LONGEST PUBES

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina (talk about flossing yer teeth when performing………well, I’m sure you can extrapolate from here).

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina (this, for the uniformed, is what one calls a loose, sloppy **insert vulgar label for female genitalia here**).

ZITS

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch (only the English, only the English. Don’t even begin to think of what his back-nee, or butt-nee must have been like. Like, what did the guy do to get a zit this big? Smear pig grease all over his face for a month?).

WORST DRINK

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac (safely drunk?!? Aphrodisiac?!? More like a Fear Factor dare if ya ask me).

Bet Live

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL

This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a ‘C*nt Pump’ (I’ve, um, “heard” that it’s not bad. Oh, hush up ).

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph

LONGEST TURD

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a ‘staggering turd’ over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state (any coincidence Taco Bell is headquartered there? Ever hear of a grain product called bran there, buddy?

MOST PROLONGED FART

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds (forget the WWI German gases or Saddam! FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, WHATEVER YA DO DON’T LIGHT A MATCH!!! Can you imagine the blue angel off that one? Large enough to thaw friggin’ Siberia).

Pretty nasty stuff there huh? I wonder which ones if any are true? I really don’t believe that anyone could store enough gas in there intestines to fart for almost 3 minutes. But if you could, I bet you would feel mighty relieved after the fact!


Posted in Funny Stuff by

Comments

  • Uncle B says:

    Not surprised at the American girl’s prowess in the “American Sports” world, they get a lot more practice and apparently start a lot younger than the rest of the moral and chaste world! One in four American girls ages twelve to eighteen! One in goddamned four! have STD’s! Pictures of her performing are a must for every girls health class, medical classes, morality seminars, internationally, and abuse of the female of the species is obviously a well practiced offense for Americans, so they can hardly complain about female circumcision, rape used as a weapon in war, and the covering of Muslim women, the beating and subjugating of women by Talliban, the rape of the starving women of Darfur, the sale of children for sex the world over! Sadly this girl was terribly abused by very sick, ill bred, misguided and perverted males, for their pleasure, certainly not her’s! A very sick nation indeed! Shameful to make this public, and sickening abuse of some man’s daughter – is this a part of the “Democracy” they wish to spread around the world? Does it go hand in hand with corporatism, and vulture capitalism, brethren of democracies everywhere? If so, No Thank You! We honor and respect our women and treasure civilized , self-controlled behavior over bestiality and niggardly ways!

    • Big Brother says:

      Uncle B., i feel it my duty to inform you that while you may think otherwise.
      No one likes a preacher.

      • Ciara says:

        An understandable amount of resentment from Uncle B up there.

        I just think its important for all of us to understand the manner in which this information is shown as well as how literal we may take it. Weather a girl spends her time guzzling down and unfortunate body fluid or not really isnt our fault. and because it isnt our fault it isn’t the fault of America or Americans.
        I guess I should be offended that Uncle B used that scenario and the medias role in broadcasting this offensive record as attacks on the apparent ‘immorale and unchaste.’ All in all anger and lack of manners are just as immoral some may say but while this should not be used day to day and within communication with people there is this article which is supposed to be offensive.

        choice: be a wise-ass or be a not-wise-ass

  • amused says:

    ” they can hardly complain about female circumcision, rape used as a weapon in war, and the covering of Muslim women, the beating and subjugating of women by Talliban, the rape of the starving women of Darfur, the sale of children for sex the world over!”

    if you consider some oversexed stunts any american girl does equal to or just as bad as the above then you are a pretty warped individual.
    STD’s are only the fault of stupid people not protecting themselves and others and happen world wide. the US is far behind a good portion of the world in STD’s

    ZITS & LONGEST PUBES & WORST DRINK are the nastiest of the records

    pray tell what corner of the world are you from Uncle B

  • Uncle B says:

    Dear “Big Brother” Sadly this is true, and so young American girls are exposed to extreme sexual offenses every day! Nobody with enough balls to stand up for them? Too preoccupied with hard-ons to have morals? I think that the American woman must be shown more respect, allowed to live in dignity, and not require surgical modifications to become a better “sex toy” and mostly not become depositories for gang rape semen and footballs! This is pretty sick! Do you have a Mother? Sister? how about shoving things into them for sport? Not bother you? You are the problem, you have a severe well classified mental illness! I think if American girls were not treated as sexual “cookies” or cheap rewards for American male sports performances, military exploits, speeding, and other reckless testosterone based Neanderthal activities, and if more American girls were educated better, had higher standards, and were more discerning and in control of whom they mate with, and what gets shoved up their private parts, and what they are goaded into swallowing by very sick male populations, selective breeding by the government, the severe birth control laws our Chinese overlords are about to place on us wouldn’t happen! We quite possibly wouldn’t have to listen to our Chinese and Saudi overlords at all! This country is about to tear itself apart, no more Trillions of dollars to borrow, even China walked away this time, and gold at a Thousand U.S. dollars and ounce, a “troy” ounce! goddammit! and an asshole like you shows the world “attitude” Shiite headed woman abusers, philistines, the world over fail! It is Historical! Remember the Nazis and “Lebensraum” policies? American women are no less free, no less respected, and it sickens the rest of humanity to see “Barbie Girls” fooled int strutting their stuff!

    • Big Daddy says:

      Uncle B, I feel it my duty to inform you that, while you think otherwise, No one cares.

      • Ciara says:

        uncle b,
        you need to relax on the hostilities not only are people going to get defensive but theyre also going to stop listening to what you say. if you want to be heard let us hear if not, if yours just trying to rustle up arguments, that itself is an issue of annoyance and i suggest you cut it out.

  • Uncle B says:

    Dear Big Daddy, 50 % of America’s populations cares! the female half of all of us! please soften your attitudes towards females, they do not deserve abuse, especially from Neanderthal assholes like you! They deserve equality and respect! Especially American girls, the most beautiful creatures on earth! Your callous “Masculine” abusive notions went out with wife beating on Saturday nights, the cowboy movies of the 1950’s, where we killed Indians at will, along with big engined gas guzzling cars, Corvette era sports cars, and twangy train ride rhythms in Western music! we don’t smoke cigarettes to be men anymore, we enjoy fine wines as well as craft-beers, and our pick-up trucks have air-conditioning, Air bags, and soft seats to sit on these days! Take your Neanderthal notions back to your cave, and jerk off, ( no9t too hard, asshole you’ll injure yourself) while I gain real sexual satisfaction through respect and admiration of the female form in America! It’s a mutual satisfaction game today, and you sound like you can’t please anybody but yourself! ( Lefty?) Don’t distress! Videos on how to be a skillful lover are available, and you can make it too! The skills are simple and enjoyable to learn! We can even control pre-ejaculation, and erectile dysfunction nowadays, and a loving partner of the female type can, if respected and loved and adored, in proper American male fashion, can take you on a sexual experience far beyond gang rape blow jobs, and stuffing foot-balls in inappropriate places! Don’t be such a smuck! let a girl show you how! You don’t have to do it alone!

    • bigrederin says:

      Uncle Bob, as an American woman who is *not* routinely oversexed and exposed to “extreme sexual offenses everyday,” I feel that it is MY duty to tell you that the women who do this sort of thing are:

      1) Paid (and damn well, mind you), or
      2) Having as much fun as the guys doing it.

      If these girls are victims, it’s because they’ve let themselves be one. It is possible for a woman to enjoy LOTS of sex and not be a victim of male over-sexuality. And if you think that girls are the only ones objectified in the sex realm, then you’ve clearly not seen advertisements for Abercrombie & Fitch or Axe Body spray, and have not been at a party with 20 women in their 20s where they’re staking their claims on the cock du jour.

      Frankly, I find your posts to be disturbing in the fact that your comments make it sound like you prefer innocent young girls who are not “sullied” by sexuality. Do you think that it is your duty to correctly show a girl what “proper” lovemaking is? A woman doesn’t need to be shown how to have sex, if she’s comfortable with herself and has a healthy relationship with her own body, she KNOWS what she likes. And some girls like having footballs shoved up their vaginas.

      PS: This comment?
      “selective breeding by the government, the severe birth control laws our Chinese overlords are about to place on us wouldn’t happen!”

      What in the ever-loving fuck are you talking about?

  • jj says:

    Thank you, Stumble!

  • JayLuv says:

    You’re right Uncle B! It’s sickening! Women are abused all around the world in horrible ways, but nothing, i repeat, NOTHING, is worse than women making their own choices about their body! I agree, a majority, no ALL, of the American male population are horrible! This is why, when my American friends went to Italy, they were constantly flirted with and AB– USED! There is no WAY these people could’ve been true Europeans, due to their Neanderthal attitudes like Americans! And all the porn sites online MUST be run by Americans, and they probably are, but it’s amazing how more than half of the videos showing abuse of women and rape and other AB– USE, PAIN and DEFILEMENT of the beautiful women oof the world are ASIAN!

    Check your facts man, you sound that ridiculous. Your slander is as offensive as me saying that all Chinese people have small penises. Read a book, not propaganda.

  • Snake says:

    I cannot verify the claims put forth here.I searched to the end of the interwebs…although my friend tell me he has seen a video of a girl shoving football up her “pum pum”…As far as the heated discussion which is going on.men and women abuse each other and abuse themselves…in one way or other depending on tiny circumstantial differences.

  • Yackapo says:

    Uncle B, who the fuck are you to pass judgment on an entire nation based on the actions of a few girls? And moreover, how can you even see what they’re doing from your impossibly high horse? Your moralistic condescension, undoubtedly grounded in outdated religious dogma, is simply nauseating. Your obsession with “protecting” these girls from perfectly natural sexuality only exposes your view of them as inferiors, as people who need to be protected by a big strong man like yourself. They’re not children, they’re adults acting on their natural impulses. So stop passing judgment on them with your outdated morality and mind your own fucking business.

  • Uncle B says:

    I wish for American women the freedom to be the wonderful creatures they really are, sexuality undenied, complete with everything women of other countries take for granted – Like comprehensive and free Health Care For Free, and guaranteed! A clean place, food, and social support net for any children they may have, no obligation to marriage for this, and full schooling opportunities after the fact, and the poking of “fun” at her! As sisters, and respected Mothers of society, a position of high valued respect, not contempt! not as outcast whores! Commodities of pleasure, pecker pumps! Back lane-way toys, gang bangers semen targets, one night stands, cum-bags – Sweden and Norway do this! and guess what! the “Hard Cocks” there pony up and pay up! – every damned pay-cheque! By government deduction! Yes women need better and special care! We men do our thing, no consequences! ( save for the itchies if we don’t wipe it off well after!) not even 9 months down the road! – not so for our “Equal” partners in this act! Fact is, sex for entertainment is wrong! Entertaining sex is a different story altogether! Religions were invented to promote families, to prevent the sad results of illegitimacy we see in America today! Corporatism would use our sexuality to gain greater sales commissions from us and their mass propaganda has distorted the true beauty of human sexuality in America so as to be held in disgust in the world as commercial exploitation of both men and women! Placing a price on a natural act! We Americans have been goaded, propagandized, and perverted into producing “cannon fodder” for the wars of the world – like animals of the fields! Wake Up America! This is not a good thing! Sexuality related and tied to sales? Commissions? war? ROI? prosperity measure? entertainment? forbidden pleasures? a commodity? military exploits of the despots? an act requiring marriage? savings? education? preparedness? loud music? drugs? expensive holiday resorts? fancy cars? Bull Shiite! I call Bull Shiite! The only ones getting screwed in America – the American women! Not so in other societies! We Americans have room for improvement in this area and Change! Educated enlightened women demand and get more from their societies, world wide – See Norway, Sweden, Canada, Quebec, for examples of how really beautiful it can get! Also: Ask the Saudis to lighten up! They cage their women in prisons of male tradition we do not want to copy! China forces abortion, sterilization, on its women, and currently are winning an economic war against the U.S.A., hands down while we live in denial of this fact! We must be very careful, they will soon be, if not now, our overlords, owning us lock stock and barrel and influencing our government much as the OPEC folks did with the Oil Embargo of the 70’s – Americans do not run America! Money does! and we haven’t any left! A vulnerable spot I would say, especially for influences from China and OPEC. Both have forced moral and military decisions on us already – We are not “Free” that is Bull Shiite Propaganda from recruitment posters! Our sexuality has already been criticized by China, publicly! Beware the Oil Boycott of the 70’s, and wake up politically and socially America, the world has you by the “Balls” literally and figuratively as things stand today! Breeding by government control and DNA analysis is not only possible today, it is recommended in higher circles of power! Yes, darling, you may become the object of artificial insemination of sperm the government chooses for you, no sex involved, for breeding purposes, and then, left on your own, sterilized, and free to entertain yourself sexually as you please once you have whelped a perfect soldier for “The Man”! Monsanto dose this with the seeds of the food you eat today! China will do this on larger, human scale soon, does it now with its intelligentsia, and does DNA and “stem cell” medicine today! America fell behind, suffered “Bush Morality” and lost this science – the true building block of Nations and Empires from semen, and egg, selected, upwards! Ghosts of Hitler, armed with modern medical science, and controlled by lobbyists, and share-holders votes, not affected by popular votes! See Monsanto’s seed monopoly today! They even “patented” pigs! People next? You bet your Yankee Ass! Corporate power on the loose!This is a reality in America today – Your choice America, Corporate way or the Social Democrat way! Thank God you elected Obama, a social democrat, not a right-wing militarist! You showed humanity hope in these dark times for mankind.

    • Figaro says:

      Uncle B……you have way too much time on your hands!!

    • blissfulignorance says:

      Uncle B,

      Your tirades and novels are wasting space. Please do not sully the women by saying they need protected. You say you’re protecting women and yet you objectify them and degrade them by saying they need someone (I imagine you consider yourself this “someone”) to protect them. Truth be told women make it as CEO’s, hold high positions in politics, and achieve great success. How dare you belittle not only a nation but an entire gender based on the fact that a woman performed an act which YOU deemed unfavorable. Nowhere does it says this football was forcibly inserted inside her. She did it out of free will, it was her quest for what she deemed as success or glory.

      When you disarm the people, you commence to offend them and show that you distrust them either through cowardice or lack of confidence, and both of these opinions generate hatred.
      –Niccolo Machiavelli

    • Fergs says:

      Too long, did not read.

    • artie21 says:

      Uncle B, I feel compelled to inform you that all your posts have done is anger people. You use two disgusting examples to ridicule the sexuality, morals and politics of an entire nation. Implying that all American men are not only not horrified, but encouraging of these types of actions is a completely false and offensive statement.

      Also by mentioning the Nazis in your second post as a comparison you lose this argument under Godwin’s Law.

    • Shaun says:

      I heart Uncle B. Best commentz evarz!!!

    • Byte Me says:

      Someone has forgotten to take his Lithium, I see.

  • Ante T says:

    ya’ll posting in a troll thread

  • Cthulhu says:

    soo much trollin’ soo little time

  • J says:

    wall of text.

  • Josh says:

    Dear Uncle B,
    As a fellow American(I assume you are due to uses of ‘we,’ ‘us,’ ‘our,’ etc.) I find it inspiring to find someone willing to speak up for nationwide social reform; women have been mistreated and objectified for years in America and sadly it continues to this day, even after women gained so called ‘equal rights.’

    On another note, it is well known that Americans have a reputation of being ‘neanderthal-like’ both in speech and in mannerism. This is probably because the majority of the population puts its faith in a book thousands of years old filled with zombies, genocidal rampage, and incest…..but seriously, what the f@#k are you trying to accomplish by ranting on a redneck West Virginia blog, under a post that deals with cum guzzling sluts, cavernous groins, long ass pubes, and long ass pieces of sh!t (which, imho, reflect your long ass posts)?

    Headline: ‘Women Freed from Man’s Neanderthal-like Clutches; Long Needed Social Reform Starts in Redneck Blog About Longest Pubic Hairs’

  • Uncle B is a douche says:

    You know what a douche is, right? One of those nasty satanic devices the American women use to flush the evil seed and football residue from their hoo-hoo.
    Your last line says everything about you. “Thank God you elected Obama,…”
    Idiot.

    PS>Let’s goooo Mountaineers!

Leave a Reply