The Twelve Inch Special

Twelve Inch SpecialMy wife and I don’t go out to eat all that often. The majority of our dinners are spent sitting on the couch, trying to keep our daughter occupied and watching whatever we recorded on our DVR the night before. We had some family was in town just a few weeks ago. They didn’t enjoy our dinner ritual as much as we do, so we spent a lot of nights eating out. One night in particular, we all went out to the Outback Steakhouse.

Once we were all seated at the table, the waiter came by and took our drink order. I never did catch his name, so for the purposes of this tale, we’ll call him “John”. John started at the other end of the table, and as he spoke, I definitely got the vibe that John may… well… enjoy the company of other men. I wasn’t getting a “Liberace in a sequined jumpsuit” strength vibe… more like a “have you ever noticed that cousin Tom never brings a girl to Thanksgiving dinner” type of feeling. Why do I mention the possible sexuality of our server? It will all become clear pretty soon…

After we all order our drinks, John heads off to get them and put in our spinach and artichoke dip order. I start to look over the menu, and I decide to get a steak. The one I want in particular is called the “Outback Special”, and since I was hungry, I figured I’d get the 12 ounce. I closed my menu and started up a conversation with my father.

John came back and started to take our order. When it was my turn to order, I loudly proclaimed “Yes, I’d like your 12 inch special.” Oh yeah… Freud would have been proud.

I tried my best to play it off by saying “That was silly… I mean the 12 OUNCE special…”, but there’s really no recovering from something like that. I made eye contact with my wife, who, God bless her, was doing her best to maintain her composure. I refused to turn around and make eye contact with John… I just quietly closed my menu and passed it over my shoulder to him. Luckily the rest of my family was either too preoccupied or too innocent to realize what I had just said…

Big Fight This Morning

It was the wife and I. She started it though…I was telling the truth!


It’s old, I know. But I couldn’t resist the temptation.

Speaking of temptation and wives, mine recently bought some fine lingerie that was supposed to be a surprise for Valentines day. It came in the mail, and being the snoop that I am, I opened the box. I quickly put it back in there and pretended like I never saw anything….

A Short Story

One of the main reasons I am enjoying working out on my new elliptical is the energy boost that comes when I am done. I guess that it is just because of the exercise, but that boost wakes me up and makes me feel revived for a few hours.

I was doing my usual routine on the elliptical over the weekend. I had the television on in the bedroom where I was working out. The volume was low so I didn’t disturb anyone (the elliptical makes no noise). I was startled by a loud bang / pop that sounded like someone popping a brown paper bag that was full of air. This sound was immediately followed by shrieks of pain, several nasty curse words, and ultimately some whimpering, whining, and crying.

I stopped my workout short and ran to see what was going on. I found my wife in the floor holding her foot and trying not to cry. I asked her what happened, then I noticed that the baby gate looked as if someone had kicked it across the room. She had stepped over it just fine with her first foot, but the second foot was a few inches shy of clearing it. Her pinky toe had slammed into the top of the gate causing all sorts of problems. One of which was a broken toe…

It turned a lovely shade of purple in only a few minutes. She can barely stand on it now, so there will be no elliptical exercise for her for a few days / weeks. The worst part about it… ?  She broke this same toe about 2 years ago when she was walking through the kitchen and kicked the kitchen table leg..heh.