A Big List Of Things To Strive To Teach My Kids

Success-KidOne voice can make a difference.
It is easier to stay warm than to get warm.
Keep trying new things.
Avoid violence. If you must fight, hit first, hit hard, and fight dirty.
Never refuse an offered breath mint.
Don’t pray for patience, you may have to learn it.
The Government will lie to you.
Brake before the turn. Accelerate through it.
Respect nature. She is bigger and stronger than you are. She is as beautiful as she is merciless. 
Always cut away from yourself.
Life is not fair. The left hand pays for the mistakes of the right. (see above)
Gravity is a cruel mistress.
Everything fun involves risk. True peace is found when the risks are deemed acceptable. True happiness occurs every time you get away without paying the price.
In shooting, be sure of your target and what lies beyond your target.
Naked is good.
Those with greater skill can be beaten by those who work harder.
Religious fanatics tend to have limited actual knowledge of their religion.
Eloquent words may not be true; nor true words eloquent.
Get in good physical condition in your teen years. The effects will last a long time.
A vocal minority can rule a silent majority.
Pray to communicate with God; not to demonstrate to others how you communicate with God.
Be kind to those weaker than you.
Keep your promises.
When in doubt, keep you mouth closed.
Our military treats its officers one-hundred fold better than it treats the enlisted men and women. 
If the military is in your future, do everything in your power to be an officer… and don’t invade Russia in the Winter. That never works.
It is better to undercook fish and overcook pork than the other way around.
Learn the religion of your community, even if you do not practice it.
If you do not know how, ask.
People love to talk about themselves. Ask a person about himself, and an awkward silence is chased from the room.
Learn to give a great massage.
There is no greater force than love.
Make your point, then shut up.
If you listen closely enough, many women will actually tell you what they want.
Some girls like boys who mistreat them. These same girls will want to be your friend, but nothing more. It makes no sense. Push them hard enough and they will break your heart.
You must love yourself before you can enjoy a loving relationship.
I love you.
Pour acid into water, not the other way around.
Keep all your options open long enough, and you won’t have any left. There comes a time when you must commit.
Fanaticism is the most dangerous of all evils.
The lust for power is the single greatest human vice.
90% of everything is crap. Just because something is popular doesn’t mean it is good, or that you have to like it.
Don’t play with mercury.
Don’t try to be popular. Be yourself – your friends will be true friends and their respect will be genuine.
You can not be friends with everybody. Some people will not like you. Their loss.
If you whack your fingernnail with a hammer, pinch the injured nail down hard and hold it for a while. It will hurt a lot, but you will probably save the nail (and prevent a lot of future discomfort).
Be polite to cops. This gives respect to those who deserve it, and the ones who don’t will be more likely to pick on somebody else.
Be brief in your dealings with the police.
Pay your taxes.
Use exclamation points like profanity – sparingly, for effect.
Nothing beats a direct quote.
Encourage cats. Discipline dogs.
The most powerful thing you can be is yourself.
Sometimes it is enough to know that you are right. You don’t always have to prove it.
Admit your mistake and move on to the next one.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Be kind to your mother. 
When you appreciate how little you really know, then you begin to truly learn.
Do what you enjoy, not what others think you should enjoy.
Things always get better. Given time, today’s overwhelming problem will be a mere footnote in your conscience. This is the most important piece of advice I can give you. Remember this above all else.

Time For You To Shut The F*&% Up!

Anonymous Sports Betting

STFUIf you are an executive who makes over $1,000,000 per year, and you want the tax-payers to bail out your poorly-run company, shut the fuck up. You are clearly missing at least one obvious place to cut expenses.

If you are “allegedly the voice of” any deposed third-world terrorist shithead, shut the fuck up.

If you profess to be against irradiated food, and you own a microwave oven, shut the fuck up.

If you think there is a good reason for Daylight Savings Time, shut the fuck up.

If you drive a car that gets less than 20 miles per gallon, and you complain about gasoline prices, shut the fuck up.

If you feel that yelling at me is the best way to get me to change my mind and sign your stupid petition, shut the fuck up.

If you are Mike Tyson, shut the fuck up.

If you promote “family values” and have a divorce, illegitimate kids, or a fondness for underage prostitutes, shut the fuck up.

If you think Creed rocks, shut the fuck up.

If you feel the urge to discuss the British Royal Family, shut the fuck up.

If you think the Iraq war was really about terrorism, shut the fuck up.

If you think that I’m a Democrat just because I don’t like George W. Bush, shut the fuck up.

If you are “glad that Iraq started a guerrilla war,” shut the fuck up and apologize to the friends and family of every single person who died in that festering ass-zit of a country since the war “ended.”

If I can hear you talk at the movies, shut the fuck up.

If you think I care about baseball, shut the fuck up.

If you feel the urge to legislate what people do with their genitals, shut the fuck up.

If you complain about the government, but don’t vote, shut the fuck up.

If you are an American who wears Doc Martens while protesting “globalization”, shut the fuck up.

If you are against genetically modified crops, and haven’t passed at least one year of college-level bio-science, shut the fuck up.

Food Poisoning And Toilet Brushes

Food PoisoningIf you’ve never had it, you have no idea what you are missing. Imagine your worst hangover. Now multiply it by about a million. Then stick an ice pick in your eye and fall down a flight of stairs while an angry biker beats you about the head and shoulders with a bag of nickels. You’re starting to get the idea.

I had food poisoning. I knew exactly how I got it. After cleaning numerous raw shrimp, I consumed finger food. I did not wash my hands between the shrimp-cleaning and the food-eating. I was beer-drinking. I poisoned my own stupid, drunken self. And I paid the price…and then some.

The really pathetic thing about being poisoned is that both ends of your body require the use of the same space, often at the same time. And while you really really want to put your head over the toilet bowl before you hang your ass over it, it’s not always practical to do so. Eventually you realize that it’s a moot point. Your face is exactly where your ass was moments ago.

So there I was, curled up on the bathroom floor, shivering, sweating, gathering enough strength for the next round of the head/ass toilet dance, when it occurred to me – this bathroom was really clean. It was spotless. It smelled of cleaning agents. Of all the bathrooms in the world to spend eight miserable hours, thank God I got this one.

My beautiful, goddess wife had cleaned the bathroom the previous evening.

A few hours into the ordeal, I noticed something else. My wife had left a large plastic cup out for me. Eventually I used this cup to take sips of water. Of course, the water came right back up; but still, it was nice. Food poisoning is dehydrating.

As the hours wore on, I was able to take deeper drinks of water – drinks that stayed down. I drank a lot of water. The cold sweats subsided. I was able to walk again. I was able to breathe without getting nausea and open my eyes without pain. I had thoroughly violated the newly-cleaned bathroom, but it was over.

The next day, my wife-goddess asked me about my ordeal. It was the worst conversation I have ever had in my life.

“Where did you find that plastic cup?”

“Oh, I thought you left it out for me to use.”

“Dear, that’s the cup I keep the toilet brush in. I must have left it out when I was cleaning the bathrooms. You didn’t drink out of it did you?!”