A Politically Correct Christmas Story

“Twas the night before Christmas
And Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s
Politically correct?
His worker’s no longer would
Answer to “Elves”
“Vertically Challenged”
They were calling themselves.
And Labor conditions
At the North Pole
Were alleged by the union
To stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished
Without much propriety,
Released to the wild’s by
The Humane Society.
And equal employment
Had made it clear
That Santa had better
Not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner,
Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with four pigs,
And you know that looked stupid.The runners had been
Removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed
Dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started
To call the cops
When they heard sled
Noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his
Pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His Fur trimmed red suit
Was called “Unenlightened.”

And to show you the strangeness
Of life’s ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over
Unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo,
In front of the nation,
Demanding millions
In over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer
Were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d
Enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group,
packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on
Her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why,
He’d never a notion
That making a choice could
Cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him.
And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be
Construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored
Or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls,
Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed
To be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike
Or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets..
They were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to
Embellish a truth.
And Fairy Tales,
While not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie
Better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles
Of those psychological
Who claimed the only
Good gift was ecological.

No Baseball, No Football..
Someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports
Exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist
And should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot
Your entire brain away,
So Santa just stood there,
Disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure
Out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful
With that word today.
His sack was quite empty,
Limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable
Was to be found.
Something special was needed
A gift that he might
Give to all without angering
The left or the right

A gift that would satisfy,
With no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone everywhere… even you
So here is that gift,
It’s price beyond worth
May you and your loved ones,
Enjoy peace on Earth

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