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Everyone knows that the scariest thing for kids when growing up is not monsters or ghosts. It’s not parents or teachers. It’s those elementary school bullies. Every school has them, and every class has them. But without a doubt, the most fearsome species of the playground bully was the 6th grader (or maybe the 5th grader depending on what grade your elementary school went up to). The 6th grade bully had worked his way up the ranks and now was king of the school, at least for one year. This is the story of the time I was confronted by a 6th grade bully…and lived to tell about it.
I was walking home one cool autumn day when I turned onto a long narrow street not far from where I lived. I had once seen some tough looking kids bullying some little kids on this street a while back and was always afraid that I would meet up with them again. And sure enough, this day I would. I was almost near the end of this long street when 3 big kids turned the corner. Just by looking at them you could tell they were 6th graders, you could just see it in their eyes. 2 of the kids were about equal in size, I didn’t get their name. But the 3rd kid, the leader of the pack, was huge. He stood at least 5 feet tall and probably weighed 135 pounds. His name was Matt. I call him Fat Matt in my head. He wasn’t all that fat, he was built more like a football lineman.
I knew I was in trouble. I started to cross to the other side of the street. But they quickly intercepted my path.
“Where do you think you’re going?†Matt demanded.
“Home†I stammered.
“I don’t think so,†said Matt.
Then it happened. Matt’s sidekicks each grabbed one of my arms and held them out to the side. “Uh oh†I thought. This was the ultimate bully pummeling position. Matt started the crack his knuckles with an evil smirk on his face.
And then something came over me. I wasn’t going to let this happen. Adrenaline surged through my veins and I felt very strong all of a sudden. With my new found strength and courage I thrust my arms out, grabbing both of Matt’s sidekicks by the neck. I swung both of them in towards me, clashing their skulls against each other. They fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Matt’s look of astonishment on his face was quickly replaced by a look of pain as I shattered his nose with my fist.
“You…you broke my nose!†Matt screamed. “I’m going to tell!â€
“Not today†I thought as I kicked him in the junk. Fat Matt slammed to the ground and lay beside his 2 friends. I stood for a few seconds over them, admiring my work. And then I ran as fast as I could. I ran all the way home. When I got home I was so excited. I called my friends and went over to their house.
Incredibly enough, once I had finished the story my friends weren’t all that happy for me.
“You’re proud of the fact that you beat up three 6th graders?†my friend John asked.
“Of course†I responded.
“But you’re 29 years old.†he said.
They just didn’t get it. Yes this happened just 2 weeks ago. But much like slaying an evil dragon, taking down a 6th grade bully is an incredible accomplishment no matter what your age is. Fuck you Fat Matt. I hope your balls hurt for weeks.
OMG! Ha,ha. You had me visualizing Ralphie and the bullies from ‘A Christmas Story’ until you got to the part about you being 29! That was friggin’ funny.
Employee No. 3699s last blog post..Apple Pie Shots
ROTFLMFAO!!!! That was just awesome. I was all, “Yeah! Yeah! Get ’em Bucky! Kick their asses!” And then I was all “Oh, that’s not good!”
You’re too much!
Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..I Shoulda Bought an Iguana Part 3
I hope and trust that I’m not the first one to tell you that the dude on your EC widget today is one sexymotherf*cker! Speaking of which, I learned today that your mom is a big John Deere fan … so many jokes, so little time … actually, I have tons of time … so, your mom and I …. (passes out) …
Canuckleheads last blog post..An Open Letter to the Canadian Olympic Committee
3699 – I love that movie!
CMG – But it was good. That bully got what was coming to him.
Canuck – I have seen that guy before. My mom also says he’s sexy. Apparently you stopped by Kathy’s place.
I got it all on tape and uploaded it to Youtube. Sorry, I would’ve had it up there earlier but youtube has been having a heck of a time processing video the last couple of days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
That’s the best video ever!