First off, let’s set out the criteria : a BAD porn movie title does the opposite of its intention, which is to arouse your interests and convince you to buy the tape. Nope, these titles work against them — they disgust, confuse or just plain turn you off. I’ve divided them up into 5 categories : 1) Gross, 2) Groan, 3) Stupid, 4) What The Hell, and 5) The Porn Store Clerk Laughed At Me. I’ll elaborate later.
There are a number of exclusions. Foreign titles are out because a bad translation is out of the original namer’s control. Ethnic videos were also excluded because they’re all pretty offensive, so “Chicken Chow Mine” and “Sushi Girls #24 – Stir Fry Snatch” are not on the list, as well as pretty much all the black videos. (I have never seen so many uses of the words “ho” and “booty” in my life.) Gay is out because the titles always make me giggle or extremely uncomfortable. Also, any movie titles describing a disgusting sex act were disqualified because that’s a personal bias. So you don’t get “Bust A Nut In Grandma’s Butt” because some people like old women. Really old women. Yikes. “Edward Penishands” was immediately out because that one pops up on EVERYBODY ELSE’S Best Porn Movie Title list because it is actually an awesome title. I saw that movie. That had to be the worst porn shoot ever for that poor guy.
To research this article, I used the online database of over 70,000 movies at http://excaliburfilms.com. They’re all real titles — look them up if you want to. (I’m not linking to each one of these !) I have not seen all of these films. Actually, I have not seen any of these films. And I don’t want to — hence, this list. It is certainly not definitive, I simply could not review every single porn movie title ever. You have to draw a limit somewhere. The list is numbered, but it is not ranked because I can’t be bothered. You may also disagree with my choices because the title actually turns you on. I don’t care. You’re sick.
GROSS – these are disgusting titles that should turn you off completely :
1. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES
2. LET’S PLAY STAIN THE COUCH
3. CRACK WHORES OF AMERICA
4. PRIME CUTS – YO QUIERO TACO SMELL
5. AMATEURS ONLY #129 – I’M A BROWN SHIT-HOLED WHORE
6. SEX STARVED FUCK SLUTS #22 – STINKY WHITE WOMEN