Love Poems For You On Valentines Day

Valentines DayMy darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you’re not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other —
That is, until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes …….
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

How To Spot An Idiot

I found a photo over at Kat’s Random Thoughts that stopped me in my surfing tracks. Have a look:

crazy-men-in-pool.jpg

Do you see what is going on there? There are men in a pool that have an electrical power strip floating on the water by two, count ’em, two sandals / flip flops. I can’t quite make out what they are running the electricity to, but I can clearly see that there are several bottles of beer involved. One tiny little wave and everyone in pool gets electrocuted. Smart, very smart. Perhaps someone is trying to cash in on their life insurance policies?

Piss People Off In 32 Ways Or Less

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Constantly try to sell them some Branson real estate.
14. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
15. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
16. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
17. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
18. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
19. Honk and wave to strangers.
20. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
21. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
22. type only in lowercase.
23. dont use any punctuation either
24. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
25. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
26. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
27. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
28. Ask people what gender they are.
29. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
30. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
31. Sing along at the opera.
32. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
33. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

via Green Porridge Cafe

Elbow Licking

So who will be the first in the blogoshphere to prove they can lick their elbow with their tongue?

C’mon, you know you want to see if you can do it. I am about 3 tongues short of reaching my elbow so I am not one of the chosen few.

My Cousin who is 12 years old can lick his elbow with his tongue so apparently this calls for some intensive research on my part as to whether a human being can physically do this since he is obviously human.

According to the Govt.- It is impossible-

According to my own extensive research you in fact CAN do it if you are double jointed in your shoulder and your neck. Supposedly only one in a million can do it!

Below are some people who show you they can do it. I am waiting for a picture of my cousin doing it and he has witnesses who watched him do it.

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