I’m not a big fan of email forwards, but I found this one pretty funny. A woman loses her cat and asks her designer friend to drop everything and make a poster for her to post around her neighborhood. People who work in a service role probably get these kind of requests from friends, but I bet they rarely turn out this funny.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.20am
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.
This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
Subject: Re: Poster
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
Subject: Re: Re: Poster
yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster
I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
Subject: Re: Awww
Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
Subject: Re: Re: Awww
I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Please just use the photo I gave you.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word “wand” with “wang” in one of the Harry Potter Books. Let’s see the results…
“Why aren’t you supposed to do magic?” asked Harry.
“Oh, well — I was at Hogwarts meself but I — er — got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year, they snapped me wang in half an’ everything.
A magic wang… this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
“Yes, yes. I thought I’d be seeing you soon. Harry Potter.” It wasn’t a question. “You have your mother’s eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work.”
“Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. “
Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.
“Oh, move over,” Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry’s wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, ‘Alohomora!”
The troll couldn’t feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry’s wang had still been in his hand when he’d jumped – it had gone straight up one of the troll’s nostrils.
He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll’s nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
“Yes,” Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding…. Any second now, he might hear his mother again… but he shouldn’t think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn’t want to… or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
‘Get – off – me!’ Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
Take this as you want, but I believe that I have found definitive proof that J.K Rowling is a dirty, DIRTY woman, and has been making a fool of us all.
This is based on a lot of research. You’ll want to know this.
There are 28 days in a womans menstrual cycle. This cycle is what really determines how things go between you and her. For example, on Day 24 you should learn to duck. I talked to sex experts and discovered how the hormonal fluxes in a woman’s body affect her moods-and your life-throughout the month. Now I have a handy schedule for you to consult when you want to know which days you’re going to have sex, which days your going to get yelled at, and which days your going to get yelled at during sex.
DAY 1 TO 5: She’s ready to iron and fold
What’s happening to her: She may complain of cramps a few days before this, but this is where the cycle really starts. Her estrogen levels are dropping, so there’s only a 2% chance she’ll get pregnant if you have sex. That would be great news, except you won’t be having sex right now. Thanks to those low estrogen levels, she currently sees you as a large lump of cells in a stupid shirt.
Your strategy: Lack of estrogen can also trigger insomnia and restlessness, which is why many women feel the urge to clean and organize during these days, says Christine Northrup, M.D., author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (I read it so you wouldn’t have to). My suggestion: Forget about sex and point her to the clothes.
DAYS 6 TO 9: She’s up for anything
What’s happening to her: She’s calmer and happier now because her body is saturated in feel-good hormones and endorphins. “That means she’s more receptive to new and creative ideas,” says Northrup.
Your strategy: Break out the new and creative ideas! This is the time to settle old disputes and get buy-in on your golf trip with the guys.
DAYS 10 TO 14: She’s horny.
What’s happening to her: A rise in the hormone androgen has rekindled her interest in sex. This causes the thin lining of mucus around her cervix-deep inside her at the entrance to the uterus-to become thin and watery.
Your strategy: Your woman’s so ready, you may not need more than a few minutes of foreplay. “Set the mood in a few seconds by telling her how much you want to have sex with her,” says Tara Roth Madden, author of Romance on the Run–Quality Sex for Bust Couples. Your pants should be off before you finish the sentence.
DAY 15: She’s really horny
What’s happening to her: On the positive side, she CRAVES sex because she’s at her most fertile. On the negative side, the sex doesn’t necessarily have to be with you. Research shows she’s more likely to be unfaithful during this time. In one study, researchers observed 500 women in nightclubs and found that they were more likely to wear revealing clothes and send suggestive signals to men in this phase of their cycle. Naturally, the researchers still went home alone.
Your strategy: Don’t let her out of the house by herself. Instead, take advantage of her adventurous mood by trying a new position or location.
DAYS 16 TO 23: She’s a lesbian
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen level is dropping again, so she’s less fertile. Research shows that during these 8 days, she’s more attracted to feminine-looking men because they appear more nurturing (as I call it, the Justin Timberlake factor). She’s no longer looking for a strong man to provide sturdy genes and protection.
Your strategy: Shave and put on some Melissa Etheridge.
DAYS 24 TO 28 She could crack at any moment
What’s happening to her: Estrogen continues to fall as tantrum-provoking progesterone rises. This leads to premenstrual syndrome, during which she’ll be extra sensitive to criticism, more neurotic about her looks, and more likely to throw a fit, or a Crock-Pot.
Your strategy: Play tennis or go run with her-vigorous exercise can reduce her symptoms. That way, if she “feels fat”, at least she’s doing something about it.
DAYS 26 TO 28: She’s craving ice cream and jelly beans
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen and progesterone levels are falling as her body prepares to start the cycle all over again. Low estrogen causes her to crave high-fat foods such as chocolate, which studies show can elevate mood.
Your strategy: Indulge her cravings by taking her out to eat rather than bringing home some Ben & Jerry’s. Reason? She’ll eat the whole tub and blame you for letting her do it.