I Still Shudder When I See A Pair Of Testicles On A Dog

Hello kids. I’m your friendly neighborhood Animal Control Officer, and I’d like to officially tell you all to bite my ass. Before I ride off into the sunset, however – here are some parting words…

1) To all the jackasses who ask me if I don’t have something better to do than giving them a ticket for no license/dog off leash/being a douchebag. The answer is no. No, I have nothing better than to take my precious time and taxpayer dollars to write you a COMPLETELY LAME ticket for not doing what was your responsibility to do in the first place. I love nothing more than babysitting grown adults who seem incapable of wiping their own ass without law enforcement present. Thanks, dirtbags.

2) To all the jackasses who ask me why I’m not rounding up all the killer pitbulls. Where…WHERE!? Where are all the killer pitbulls that are roaming the streets and attacking your women and children. My god, the city should just issue you all SHOTGUNS to fend off these land sharks. In other news, THERE IS NO VICIOUS PITBULL EPIDEMIC. Let’s all hold hands and say it together folks, the only epidemic is misinformation, ignorance and animal neglect. Thanks, please drive through to the second window and receive a punch in the face.

3) To all the jackasses who refuse to spay/neuter, or who think they’re “breeders” because they put fido and fifi together and produced a litter of mongrels who will all likely end up in a barrel behind the shelter by the time they reach sexual maturity: Die. Diediediediedie. I wish to god that there was a mandatory spay/neuter law and that the penalty for breaking it was to be forced to spend a day working in the euthanasia room. Seriously. It’s simple fucking math, people. Every dog or cat you carelessly add into this world takes away a home for a dog or cat that is already here. So breeding means killing…so have a good day, executioners! I hope the 50 bucks you made off that puppy sure feels good.

4) There is no goddamn thing as “No Kill”. I hate to burst your collective bubble, but when you call and ask if our shelter is “no kill”, don’t treat me like a kitten murderer when I tell you NO. There are simply not enough resources or homes available to find every pet a home and that is NOT MY FAULT. Quite simply, there is no “dog whisperer” in the world who can save your eight year old Rottweiler that spent his entire life chained to a tree in your backyard. Sorry, buster – but this one’s on you. And the places that claim to be “No Kill”? They simply send the unplaceable pets across the street to Animal Control who do the killing for them. WAKE. UP. Until mandatory spay/neuter becomes law, killing is going to happen.

5)You know what’s fun? Being told that I must “really hate dogs” because I’m an Animal Control Officer. Yessir. I put up with retards like you, the abysmally low pay, and this fabulously flattering uniform just so I can take all my bitterness out on your dog. That’s also why I foster animals, paying for their care out of my own pocket and using up my precious little free time to do it. Yeah, that’s it. Now how’s about you shut your mouth and put a leash on your dog you asshole, so I don’t have to peel him off the street later.

6) LEASHES, PEOPLE. They’re not just for the “bad dogs”. Quite frankly, dogs are carnivores – predators, if you will. When they see something furry and running fast, like a squirrel or a cat – they tend to chase after it. Next thing you know, I’m scooping up Scooby with a plastic bag…not fun. Or, how about the person who does not in fact, like dogs and has to be accosted by your poochie when they walk down the street? Or, what about the dog aggressive dog being walked safely and in control on a leash until your unleashed dog comes up and just wants to say “hi”? Dog fights are pretty ugly, and NO ONE seems to anticipate them until it’s too late. So don’t piss and moan when I give you a verbal warning for having your dog off leash…because that leads me to:

7) Your mouth will write you a ticket. Oh yeah, no kidding. I hate writing tickets. They’re a pain in the ass. I have to deal with your melt down, then I have to go back to the office and write a report about it. Next, I have to show up in court because you want to contest the ticket, even though 60% of the time YOU NEVER SHOW UP YOU CHICKENSHIT BASTARDS. So, the deal is this – if you’re nice and not egregiously breaking the law, I’m probably just going to warn you and then go about my day. As soon as you break out the lip however, I’m breaking out the ticket book. Press hard, there’s four copies.

In conclusion. I quit! Actually, you dipshits broke me a while back and it’s been months of therapy before I could write this little missive. I still shudder when I see a pair of testicles on a dog though, so watch out.


2 thoughts on “I Still Shudder When I See A Pair Of Testicles On A Dog”

  1. I don’t know how I stumbled upon this site, I don’t know why I took the time to read your letter, but I did. You are fricken hilarious and so fricken right. Can you please run for president so that we would have a real choice that we could feel good about?

  2. I’m not so sure how I came across this page myself, but OH MY GOD. This was amazing.
    I wish you didn’t quit though, the animal world needs you around. Because really, I just want to read atleast one more letter from you ;(

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