This is based on a lot of research. You’ll want to know this.
There are 28 days in a womans menstrual cycle. This cycle is what really determines how things go between you and her. For example, on Day 24 you should learn to duck. I talked to sex experts and discovered how the hormonal fluxes in a woman’s body affect her moods-and your life-throughout the month. Now I have a handy schedule for you to consult when you want to know which days you’re going to have sex, which days your going to get yelled at, and which days your going to get yelled at during sex.
DAY 1 TO 5: She’s ready to iron and fold
What’s happening to her: She may complain of cramps a few days before this, but this is where the cycle really starts. Her estrogen levels are dropping, so there’s only a 2% chance she’ll get pregnant if you have sex. That would be great news, except you won’t be having sex right now. Thanks to those low estrogen levels, she currently sees you as a large lump of cells in a stupid shirt.
Your strategy: Lack of estrogen can also trigger insomnia and restlessness, which is why many women feel the urge to clean and organize during these days, says Christine Northrup, M.D., author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (I read it so you wouldn’t have to). My suggestion: Forget about sex and point her to the clothes.
DAYS 6 TO 9: She’s up for anything
What’s happening to her: She’s calmer and happier now because her body is saturated in feel-good hormones and endorphins. “That means she’s more receptive to new and creative ideas,” says Northrup.
Your strategy: Break out the new and creative ideas! This is the time to settle old disputes and get buy-in on your golf trip with the guys.
DAYS 10 TO 14: She’s horny.
What’s happening to her: A rise in the hormone androgen has rekindled her interest in sex. This causes the thin lining of mucus around her cervix-deep inside her at the entrance to the uterus-to become thin and watery.
Your strategy: Your woman’s so ready, you may not need more than a few minutes of foreplay. “Set the mood in a few seconds by telling her how much you want to have sex with her,” says Tara Roth Madden, author of Romance on the Run–Quality Sex for Bust Couples. Your pants should be off before you finish the sentence.
DAY 15: She’s really horny
What’s happening to her: On the positive side, she CRAVES sex because she’s at her most fertile. On the negative side, the sex doesn’t necessarily have to be with you. Research shows she’s more likely to be unfaithful during this time. In one study, researchers observed 500 women in nightclubs and found that they were more likely to wear revealing clothes and send suggestive signals to men in this phase of their cycle. Naturally, the researchers still went home alone.
Your strategy: Don’t let her out of the house by herself. Instead, take advantage of her adventurous mood by trying a new position or location.
DAYS 16 TO 23: She’s a lesbian
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen level is dropping again, so she’s less fertile. Research shows that during these 8 days, she’s more attracted to feminine-looking men because they appear more nurturing (as I call it, the Justin Timberlake factor). She’s no longer looking for a strong man to provide sturdy genes and protection.
Your strategy: Shave and put on some Melissa Etheridge.
DAYS 24 TO 28 She could crack at any moment
What’s happening to her: Estrogen continues to fall as tantrum-provoking progesterone rises. This leads to premenstrual syndrome, during which she’ll be extra sensitive to criticism, more neurotic about her looks, and more likely to throw a fit, or a Crock-Pot.
Your strategy: Play tennis or go run with her-vigorous exercise can reduce her symptoms. That way, if she “feels fat”, at least she’s doing something about it.
DAYS 26 TO 28: She’s craving ice cream and jelly beans
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen and progesterone levels are falling as her body prepares to start the cycle all over again. Low estrogen causes her to crave high-fat foods such as chocolate, which studies show can elevate mood.
Your strategy: Indulge her cravings by taking her out to eat rather than bringing home some Ben & Jerry’s. Reason? She’ll eat the whole tub and blame you for letting her do it.