Men, you need to read (and memorize) this…

This is based on a lot of research. You’ll want to know this.

There are 28 days in a womans menstrual cycle. This cycle is what really determines how things go between you and her. For example, on Day 24 you should learn to duck. I talked to sex experts and discovered how the hormonal fluxes in a woman’s body affect her moods-and your life-throughout the month. Now I have a handy schedule for you to consult when you want to know which days you’re going to have sex, which days your going to get yelled at, and which days your going to get yelled at during sex.

DAY 1 TO 5: She’s ready to iron and fold
What’s happening to her: She may complain of cramps a few days before this, but this is where the cycle really starts. Her estrogen levels are dropping, so there’s only a 2% chance she’ll get pregnant if you have sex. That would be great news, except you won’t be having sex right now. Thanks to those low estrogen levels, she currently sees you as a large lump of cells in a stupid shirt.
Your strategy: Lack of estrogen can also trigger insomnia and restlessness, which is why many women feel the urge to clean and organize during these days, says Christine Northrup, M.D., author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (I read it so you wouldn’t have to). My suggestion: Forget about sex and point her to the clothes.

DAYS 6 TO 9: She’s up for anything
What’s happening to her: She’s calmer and happier now because her body is saturated in feel-good hormones and endorphins. “That means she’s more receptive to new and creative ideas,” says Northrup.
Your strategy: Break out the new and creative ideas! This is the time to settle old disputes and get buy-in on your golf trip with the guys.

DAYS 10 TO 14: She’s horny.
What’s happening to her: A rise in the hormone androgen has rekindled her interest in sex. This causes the thin lining of mucus around her cervix-deep inside her at the entrance to the uterus-to become thin and watery.
Your strategy: Your woman’s so ready, you may not need more than a few minutes of foreplay. “Set the mood in a few seconds by telling her how much you want to have sex with her,” says Tara Roth Madden, author of Romance on the Run–Quality Sex for Bust Couples. Your pants should be off before you finish the sentence.

DAY 15: She’s really horny
What’s happening to her: On the positive side, she CRAVES sex because she’s at her most fertile. On the negative side, the sex doesn’t necessarily have to be with you. Research shows she’s more likely to be unfaithful during this time. In one study, researchers observed 500 women in nightclubs and found that they were more likely to wear revealing clothes and send suggestive signals to men in this phase of their cycle. Naturally, the researchers still went home alone.
Your strategy: Don’t let her out of the house by herself. Instead, take advantage of her adventurous mood by trying a new position or location.

memoryDAYS 16 TO 23: She’s a lesbian
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen level is dropping again, so she’s less fertile. Research shows that during these 8 days, she’s more attracted to feminine-looking men because they appear more nurturing (as I call it, the Justin Timberlake factor). She’s no longer looking for a strong man to provide sturdy genes and protection.
Your strategy: Shave and put on some Melissa Etheridge.

DAYS 24 TO 28 She could crack at any moment
What’s happening to her: Estrogen continues to fall as tantrum-provoking progesterone rises. This leads to premenstrual syndrome, during which she’ll be extra sensitive to criticism, more neurotic about her looks, and more likely to throw a fit, or a Crock-Pot.
Your strategy: Play tennis or go run with her-vigorous exercise can reduce her symptoms. That way, if she “feels fat”, at least she’s doing something about it.

DAYS 26 TO 28: She’s craving ice cream and jelly beans
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen and progesterone levels are falling as her body prepares to start the cycle all over again. Low estrogen causes her to crave high-fat foods such as chocolate, which studies show can elevate mood.
Your strategy: Indulge her cravings by taking her out to eat rather than bringing home some Ben & Jerry’s. Reason? She’ll eat the whole tub and blame you for letting her do it.

Memorize this.

25 thoughts on “Men, you need to read (and memorize) this…”

  1. I have a feeling that many women would think this article is a total crock! But it was an entertaining read and is probably true for some. Yes, of course, all women turn lesbian on days 16-23.

  2. Want a female opinion?

    Well days 1-6 we tell you its true. 6-10 we say, maybe true for some women, but not for all. 10-16 I don’t care if its true just fuck me, bitch. 17-23 YES its true. 24-28 go to hell.

  3. True up to the last word. Anybody who wants to share about what we need to know about men?

    Bring beer, come naked.

    In case of an emergency:
    A steak and a BJ can save anything.

  4. Hi…dude maybe true for some women, but not for all. of if it true for some women, then was an entertaining read and is probably true for some. Yes, of course, all women turn lesbian on days 16-23.

  5. I’m impressed. It takes 7 paragraphs and change to hash out a PMS joke? I don’t think I could whine that much about my period, and I’m the one it’s happening to.

  6. So, our entire lives revolve around her cycle. This is so retro, I really am shocked that this is published in 2009. As if women are totally governed by their hormones. And we have to sneak around and ask permission to play golf. Grow up. What, do you spend your whole day watching Honeymooners reruns?

    1. The devil is in the details, Larg. Do you really think hormones have nothing to do with how people, and not just women, act? Womens’ hormones fluctuate more than mens’ so it’s easy to believe womens’ hormones have something (not everything) to do with their behavior. It’s a reasonable conclusion.

  7. All this plus the joy of an angst-ridden puberty, childbirth, menopause, hot flashes — And all you guys have to do is register for Selective Service….NOW who’s the fairer sex?

  8. I’d like to say that first of all, I’m not a raging feminist. Second, make no mistakes, men- This is completely false and horribly sexist. Just trust me on this. And make sure you never show her or mention existence of this article during her period. Not every woman is cranky all the time on her period, but it’s not pleasant, and this is so offensive, she might rip your head off. Cheers.

  9. Meg asked :True up to the last word. Anybody who wants to share about what we need to know about men?

    It’s quite simple: they have two heads, but only enough blood supply for one of them to operate at any given time. The result is that they usually use the wrong one for thinking.

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