I had always assumed that I was in good health. I’m 29 years old, very fair complected, and have never been in the hospital for any kind of sickness. I’m 6’1″ tall and weigh in at 235 lbs. I consider my perfect weight to be right around the 200 lb. mark, so I could definitely lose a few pounds. According to various BMI calculators, I would still be considered overweight at 200 lbs., but when I weighed less than that, I thought that I looked unhealthily skinny, so I don’t put to much faith in those BMI doodads.
My family doctor did the normal blood work / x-ray stuff. He found nothing out of the ordinary other than the pain over in the left side of my chest. He called it a-typical angina, and referred me to a local cardiologist. I reluctantly accepted his decision and went to see the cardiologist a few days later. My blood pressure at this particular visit was an un-reassuring 160/100, which made the cardiologist even more interested in my case, and scared me just a wee bit. This was the first time that I thought that maybe it was my heart. This was a cardiologist, after all, and he is supposed to know everything about the human heart. Right? Right!?
The cardiologist scheduled a stress test, an echocardiogram, and a CT scan of my chest. All in the same day. What fun!
I show up for my tests, not really knowing what is about to take place. I am taken into a small room and given a shot of some bright green (almost glowing) nuclear shit. My arm suddenly feels very cold. I get to lie down and watch a machine roll around me taking some of images of my chest / heart area.
After this I am hustled to another room where the echocardiogram is to be done. I take off my shirt, get some ice cold KY Jelly squirted on my chest, and the ultrasound begins. It’s over about as quickly as it started.
After that is finished, I am hustled back to another small room. There is a treadmill and about 1,582 wires coming off of it. A nurse shaves the hair off various portions of my body and commences to stick those wires all over me. The doctor walks in, explains what is going to happen and tells me that when I get tired to let him know and he will stop the machine. I told him that I won’t tire out. I can walk as long as he wants me to. He snickers and doesn’t believe me.
The machine starts and I walk along a flat surface for three minutes. At the three minute mark, the machine speeds up and inclines. I go three more minutes and again, the machine speeds up and inclines. I estimate the incline to be around 25Â° or 30Â°. I am jogging now.
At the next three minutes the doctor turns off the machine and says “You’ve obviously passed this part of your exam. There is nothing wrong with your stamina, when it comes to your heart. Your current EKG looks good.” I agreed, and bit my tongue when I wanted to say “I told you so.”
Remember the green radioactive shit from earlier? The nurse that gave me that shot, sneaks back into the room and shoots another syringe full of that ice cold liquid kryptonite into my arm. I have to go back to her room and have another round of images done. Great.
Last but not least was the CT scan. Nothing really interesting about it other than me having to sign off on allowing them to inject me with about a quart of iodine during this test. The sign off was covering their ass because if I was allergic to it (and I had no way of knowing if I was) I could go into Anaphylactic Shock and Doctor House was nowhere around to save me. I signed the paper and can happily report that I felt nothing other than a very unique warm sensation suddenly pulsating throughout my entire body. I pretended it was a huge dose of heroin, and closed my eyes for the duration of the test.
Two weeks later I get to know the results. The cardiologist tell me that everything is fine with my heart. There are no blockages, no prolapsed valves, and nothing wrong with it’s electricity. My heart is in perfect health, but my blood pressure is still high. He wants to put me on medication for it, I argue that I am too young and will get it down myself with exercise and diet. He snickers again…
I told myself that I have to get closer to the 200 lb. mark. I HAVE to do it. So I bought a bicycle, and in the same night I happened to find a WiiFit, which the wife and I have been looking for, for over 3 months now. Those two things combined with a good diet should allow me to shed the pounds. The last time I dieted and exercised, I went all the way down to 180 (that was before they banned ephedra… sons o’ bitches.)
It has been a week and a half since I started my routine. I ride my bike for a couple of miles every other evening in a very hilly area. The evenings I am not riding, I am using the WiiFit to get my exercise on. I am on a steady diet which consists of the following:
- 1 Banana
- 1 Apple
- 1 Yogurt
- 1 Banana
- 1 Apple
- 1 Yogurt
- A moderate portion of whatever the wife has kindly cooked for us.
That’s it! And I am quite proud of myself for sticking to it.
Last night was the big weigh in. The Wife was up first…..Â she’s lost three pounds. High Five!
My turn on the scale… I’ve gained 1.5 pounds. What the fuck!?! That is impossible. There is something wrong with this god damn machine! I’m gonna throw this little fucker out the window…that son of bitch. He lies! LIES I TELL YOU! How is it fucking possible to gain 1.5 pounds after exercising every night and eating hardly anything during the day?
Does anyone know where I can find someone to import some Ephedra for me? Maybe I can find some if I take a couple of Vegas vacations?
PS – I just realized that this is my 2,000th post.